Friday, November 2, 2012

The deepest PITHOLE, deeper than Mariana Trench

The irreversible end starts at 31st October. No matter how I wish that it's just a dream, a dark dark nightmare, but you can't escape the end when it plans to gobble you up one whole. The worse-than-atomic bomb was dropped at around 1230 hours, right before Design of Concrete Structure test. My pleads for staying, not leaving for Mr. LFY, can't hold her back. I kept justifying that I'll be a better man, but it can't hold her back. I laid promises that have been planned for her and us in the future, in which she never knows about it, but it can't hold her back. Nothing that I can do to keep her, absolutely nothing! All I can do was hope, and hoped that she was just playing a prank, testing my feelings for her, but that isn't the way reality works. Reality hits you hard, harder than the toughest concrete made on Earth.

Went back to hostel wounded, didn't even care about badly I fared in the test. I can always try to work my way back for my studies, but not in the case of relationship. She said I am better than Mr. LFY in every single aspect, but why would she leave me in such a case? It's not that she took things for granted, but why? The major winning factor was distance between one man and her, and I am just too far away from her, she said. She needs someone to hold her tight when she's sad, to have shoulder to lean on when she's tired. She doesn't want to have to another relationship that is the same as her past, whereby she had a man, but the man was not with her because it's long-distance relationship. I told her that it will be stronger, as this relationship begs for more trust, and whatever time that are to be spent together, will be much more appreciated. It's not that it'll continue to be a long-distance relationship, as I have started to carry out plans to shorten the distance between me and her, but it just couldn't keep her. Couldn't keep her. Sigh~

The blame can't be laid upon anyone else, but me and me alone. I wanted to stand up for my own girl, to face the beast in my parents that have locked me down for years. I did hinted that I like a girl, showed them the photo of her, told them that she's the most beautiful girl I've seen. However, that didn't make much changes, because all I wanted is to go to her town and spend some weekends with her. Take her to the doctor when she's too stubborn to consult him. Be by her side when she's sick. Give her tummy a massage when she's having stomachache. Prepare a light breakfast for her and carry her up to her bed when she's just too hard-headed to change her lifestyle. Buy her home-made love letters for CNY, then she wouldn't need to feel sad when her brothers can have more love letters than her. Those plans wouldn't be a reality when that one extra step isn't taken, when your pocket is only left with RM70. My stubbornness took over me, because my principle is to use your own capability to get what you want, not the capability of others, including your parents'. I told myself that with such low sum of money that you have, you can't make the girl happy. The only thing that you can get her are only Iced Teh-O and fried char kuay teow for every meal,  which aren't as attractive as what she use to have whenever she's out with her friends. I regretted for the action that I didn't make, but that remorse will not bring her back to me. I should have spoken up and borrowed some money from my parents to go to her place, but that can't bring her back to me anymore. I'm just a sore pathetic loser that can only dream and plan and possess stubbornness in holding onto my principles that wouldn't change according to situation. She won't be by my side anymore.

I feel so much for her, plan so much for her, even though I just knew her for a year. Call me stupid, call me dumb, call me naive, I can take that criticism. Somewhat I feel that she's the definite one for me. I grew tired of giving up so early on all of my previous crushes, and I want to amend myself this time around. Whatever boulders, pick-axes, chainsaws, hammers that she threw at me, I stayed strong and continue to be by her side. She said that I helped her too much till it makes her to be a parasite, but hell no, because that statement is wrong. The parasitic person is me. I just couldn't live without her. Every single plan that I've laid down since I felt for her, has been all revolving around her. At which year I should get my first car, our first semi-D, our marriage, her car. How much the amount of allowance for her monthly expenditure, when to get our first child, which country should we go to for holidays, what to be done in our senior years, are all in my head. The plan to take my Masters is brought back to accommodate those plans, in addition that a civil engineer's paper qualification can't be compared to hands-on experience. Now that she has run away from me, all these are shattered, turned to dust, turned meaningless. I'm left hanging indefinitely, without aim, without direction. Become a confused animal. Even if she comes to know about all those plans that have been laid out and carried out, that wouldn't make a single change, because these will not bring her back. No matter how much I hope that she won't walk away.

That evening, there were just too much "if's" playing around on my head. What if I just fail each and every subjects that I take this semester, than ask for a credit transfer to her university? What if I wish for a change of time, to jump into a time machine, return to 2008 and not to do well in my SPM, then maybe I can be at her university? But if I fared badly, will I be able to know her in the first place? What if I had gone to her town the previous semester break, will it make a change? What if I, what if this has happened, what if this, what if that and all the other what if-s. It became unbearable that breaking down is the only option that I know to do. Had so many souls running around in my room, but none of them knew the situation I'm in. In the bathroom, I broke down twice for a full half an hour, nobody knows. Nobody cares the nobody. Nobody wants the nobody. If I could bring her back, what should I do? I might as well sell my soul to the devil, but I can't do that. I don't want our children to suffer the wrath from a father that traded his soul for their mother. I wanted her so badly, want her so much more, but the cries can't win her back.

That night, I wanted her to appear in my dreams, and she's not even in there. In reality, she ran, and in dreams, she ran too. Tears rolled down again when I woke up on 1st November. My eyes just broke their waters by the mere thought of it, I couldn't really control it. When I was taking my brunch, it mixed with my milk, my bread. It becomes uncontrollable that I was afraid that I'll have my dumb face when I'm attending classes later. The thought of losing her, another guy will be touching her and care for her instead of me, is too overwhelming. I guessed I'm really dumb, as I can't do anything but to shed tears like a baby. Although I do know it can't stop her from walking away.

The hugs to hold her tight at night, the kisses to rain on the most beautiful girl, the nights where we hold each other and stare up at the star-studded night sky, will only remain as a yearning, a remorse. The sight of her to be on the aisle with me exchanging rings, be the world's most beautiful woman while bearing our children, to have a playful time with her, can only remain as dreams. Now that she's gone for someone better, I can only wish that she will never be hurt anymore. I had promised to be a clown to make her happy until she found the right guy for her, and this promise will still be kept. I'll cover up, and try to take care of her until she's officially with Mr. LFY. And for that, he has to treat her nicely because if he fails to do so, I'll be there to turn him into a guava, just like what his town is popular for. I will remember the the pretty smile that she has, the cute voice when she sings or talks, the first time she shown me her work on her eyelashes, the way she wears my favourite purple, the video talks that we had while blowing each other goodnight kisses and all the others. It will certainly be remembered, will always do till I am brought to my grave. I really miss her, Ms. SKL~ T.T And if she decides to run back to me, I'll certainly give her a big hug, accept her back, protect her. There's no way to say a no.

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