Don't know when only I have the courage to say this words, because I still hold on tightly. Don't want to lose her totally.

柯震東《請比我愛她》

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F1SAUS4Vi0&feature=related

The deepest PITHOLE, deeper than Mariana Trench

The irreversible end starts at 31st October. No matter how I wish that it's just a dream, a dark dark nightmare, but you can't escape the end when it plans to gobble you up one whole. The worse-than-atomic bomb was dropped at around 1230 hours, right before Design of Concrete Structure test. My pleads for staying, not leaving for Mr. LFY, can't hold her back. I kept justifying that I'll be a better man, but it can't hold her back. I laid promises that have been planned for her and us in the future, in which she never knows about it, but it can't hold her back. Nothing that I can do to keep her, absolutely nothing! All I can do was hope, and hoped that she was just playing a prank, testing my feelings for her, but that isn't the way reality works. Reality hits you hard, harder than the toughest concrete made on Earth.

Went back to hostel wounded, didn't even care about badly I fared in the test. I can always try to work my way back for my studies, but not in the case of relationship. She said I am better than Mr. LFY in every single aspect, but why would she leave me in such a case? It's not that she took things for granted, but why? The major winning factor was distance between one man and her, and I am just too far away from her, she said. She needs someone to hold her tight when she's sad, to have shoulder to lean on when she's tired. She doesn't want to have to another relationship that is the same as her past, whereby she had a man, but the man was not with her because it's long-distance relationship. I told her that it will be stronger, as this relationship begs for more trust, and whatever time that are to be spent together, will be much more appreciated. It's not that it'll continue to be a long-distance relationship, as I have started to carry out plans to shorten the distance between me and her, but it just couldn't keep her. Couldn't keep her. Sigh~

The blame can't be laid upon anyone else, but me and me alone. I wanted to stand up for my own girl, to face the beast in my parents that have locked me down for years. I did hinted that I like a girl, showed them the photo of her, told them that she's the most beautiful girl I've seen. However, that didn't make much changes, because all I wanted is to go to her town and spend some weekends with her. Take her to the doctor when she's too stubborn to consult him. Be by her side when she's sick. Give her tummy a massage when she's having stomachache. Prepare a light breakfast for her and carry her up to her bed when she's just too hard-headed to change her lifestyle. Buy her home-made love letters for CNY, then she wouldn't need to feel sad when her brothers can have more love letters than her. Those plans wouldn't be a reality when that one extra step isn't taken, when your pocket is only left with RM70. My stubbornness took over me, because my principle is to use your own capability to get what you want, not the capability of others, including your parents'. I told myself that with such low sum of money that you have, you can't make the girl happy. The only thing that you can get her are only Iced Teh-O and fried char kuay teow for every meal,  which aren't as attractive as what she use to have whenever she's out with her friends. I regretted for the action that I didn't make, but that remorse will not bring her back to me. I should have spoken up and borrowed some money from my parents to go to her place, but that can't bring her back to me anymore. I'm just a sore pathetic loser that can only dream and plan and possess stubbornness in holding onto my principles that wouldn't change according to situation. She won't be by my side anymore.

I feel so much for her, plan so much for her, even though I just knew her for a year. Call me stupid, call me dumb, call me naive, I can take that criticism. Somewhat I feel that she's the definite one for me. I grew tired of giving up so early on all of my previous crushes, and I want to amend myself this time around. Whatever boulders, pick-axes, chainsaws, hammers that she threw at me, I stayed strong and continue to be by her side. She said that I helped her too much till it makes her to be a parasite, but hell no, because that statement is wrong. The parasitic person is me. I just couldn't live without her. Every single plan that I've laid down since I felt for her, has been all revolving around her. At which year I should get my first car, our first semi-D, our marriage, her car. How much the amount of allowance for her monthly expenditure, when to get our first child, which country should we go to for holidays, what to be done in our senior years, are all in my head. The plan to take my Masters is brought back to accommodate those plans, in addition that a civil engineer's paper qualification can't be compared to hands-on experience. Now that she has run away from me, all these are shattered, turned to dust, turned meaningless. I'm left hanging indefinitely, without aim, without direction. Become a confused animal. Even if she comes to know about all those plans that have been laid out and carried out, that wouldn't make a single change, because these will not bring her back. No matter how much I hope that she won't walk away.

That evening, there were just too much "if's" playing around on my head. What if I just fail each and every subjects that I take this semester, than ask for a credit transfer to her university? What if I wish for a change of time, to jump into a time machine, return to 2008 and not to do well in my SPM, then maybe I can be at her university? But if I fared badly, will I be able to know her in the first place? What if I had gone to her town the previous semester break, will it make a change? What if I, what if this has happened, what if this, what if that and all the other what if-s. It became unbearable that breaking down is the only option that I know to do. Had so many souls running around in my room, but none of them knew the situation I'm in. In the bathroom, I broke down twice for a full half an hour, nobody knows. Nobody cares the nobody. Nobody wants the nobody. If I could bring her back, what should I do? I might as well sell my soul to the devil, but I can't do that. I don't want our children to suffer the wrath from a father that traded his soul for their mother. I wanted her so badly, want her so much more, but the cries can't win her back.

That night, I wanted her to appear in my dreams, and she's not even in there. In reality, she ran, and in dreams, she ran too. Tears rolled down again when I woke up on 1st November. My eyes just broke their waters by the mere thought of it, I couldn't really control it. When I was taking my brunch, it mixed with my milk, my bread. It becomes uncontrollable that I was afraid that I'll have my dumb face when I'm attending classes later. The thought of losing her, another guy will be touching her and care for her instead of me, is too overwhelming. I guessed I'm really dumb, as I can't do anything but to shed tears like a baby. Although I do know it can't stop her from walking away.

The hugs to hold her tight at night, the kisses to rain on the most beautiful girl, the nights where we hold each other and stare up at the star-studded night sky, will only remain as a yearning, a remorse. The sight of her to be on the aisle with me exchanging rings, be the world's most beautiful woman while bearing our children, to have a playful time with her, can only remain as dreams. Now that she's gone for someone better, I can only wish that she will never be hurt anymore. I had promised to be a clown to make her happy until she found the right guy for her, and this promise will still be kept. I'll cover up, and try to take care of her until she's officially with Mr. LFY. And for that, he has to treat her nicely because if he fails to do so, I'll be there to turn him into a guava, just like what his town is popular for. I will remember the the pretty smile that she has, the cute voice when she sings or talks, the first time she shown me her work on her eyelashes, the way she wears my favourite purple, the video talks that we had while blowing each other goodnight kisses and all the others. It will certainly be remembered, will always do till I am brought to my grave. I really miss her, Ms. SKL~ T.T And if she decides to run back to me, I'll certainly give her a big hug, accept her back, protect her. There's no way to say a no.

The Very Sensitive Subject No. 1: Virginity

The term virgin can be easily be put into words that labels a guy/girl had never made love before. They say you can see whether she's a virgin or not, to see whether there's fresh blood from the you-know-where, but that alone can't really evaluate the whole picture. The reason? Lost of hymen (or the berry, suggested by some you-know-what site), either due to sports, or just that it wears off over time due to activities (or non-existent at all). I'm not a sex doctor, but the first reason is pretty reasonable. For the girls on the guys, I can't really give any recommendations on how to check them out.

But in this modern society, there're still some people that weighs virginity heavily. Yes, it's important to be loyal to your current partner, but what if it was done in the past? Perhaps it was just due to naivety, satisfying your another partner, or just for the fun of it. Stupidity can almost never come into the picture, because what you did at that time is probably the right thing to do, for giving in. Does that give the excuse for you to have the impression that the guy/girl is just oh-so-tainted and dirty? Heck, no, or yes. Mixed reactions, you may have, because this subject is very subjective. The term 'virgin' is so important and strong to some that it can simply shred off a long-term relationship in the matter of seconds. Hell yes, you do have the right to say no, but who can decline such a request, or when love felt so-glaringly-blind at that particular time? The issue of girls being a non-virgin is much more serious than that of guys, another example of gender bias in this f**k,-you-said-this-is-a-civilised world.

The main point, why must we put this matter on the table, as a stake, if it had already happened in the past? You should be feeling grateful, appreciated and all that's good. This is because your another half is willing to open up his/hers Pandora's Box. They trust you, they are being honest with you, they feel you should know everything about themselves, even the dark side of their life. Jealousy can of course be felt, but you should always try to put yourself in his/her shoes at that time. He/she might felt that the past half is trustworthy, that's why they go for the adventure. It's not a really big deal, if you partner had lost it. Don't be fussy, don't discriminate or look down on them, don't push him/her away, and instead, pull them closer. Blanket them with more love. And I'm not an advocate of pre-marital sex, because I don't fully support it. The issue here is for those who HAD LOST it.

The reason that I dwell on this issue? To inform all the people out there, for anybody that had lost their 'most-valued' asset, it's not a measure to rate them. The most important thing is what's being valued in your heart. To fully love a person, you have to love who they were, what they are, and what they will be. For those that had lost it, get on with life if he/she was a bad choice, and be frank with your current partner. For those who knows someone had lost it, talk to them, console them, support them, understand them, pour more of your love unto them, lead them back to the right path. For those who still have it, learn to say no before marriage. God bless those who had , or had not, lose their 'most valuable' asset, to live happily. And not be Forever Alone like me. LOL. =p

A Human Called Hu-cares-Man

   They had been and are around us. They are no aliens and it is pretty obvious that they are human , as the title had suggested. They perhaps have existed since the evolution of man (to Creationist: Please. Stop whining). Now the main question is: What are they?

   Let's talk about their diet, for a head-start, since I l-o-v-e food. They are omnivorous, vegan sometimes (but no vegan powers like in 'Scott Pilgrim VS The World' , mind you), or just 'complex' carnivores. They are anything similar to us, the way they ingest and digest food. Then the food becomes a waste, excreted via squatting or sitting on a toilet bowl-chair, or whatever in between (just that I haven't come across those that poo while standing). After that, they search and hunt for food again, when their supply goes low.

   Hu-cares-Man are very educated, depending on their level of intellectual (hoping that I'd used the correct word over here). They can score anything from 0 to 100 marks in their exam, be a complete retard, acting to be a retard, or just pure geeks. They can be the villain in your life or the mini-teacher. They are the playful ones, the emo ones, the sexist ones, the lazy ones, or any of the 'ones' that comes across your mind.

   And oh, before I forget, the average Hu-cares-Man do well in sexual activity too, day in day out, night in night out. If you think I'm going to indulge into their sexual process, I'm so sorry to say that I'm no Hugh Marston Hefner. But they do have their sexual fantasies, change partner when they are bored with the old toys, and ta-da, got hit by STDs and STIs as well. Poor Homo Sapiens that go unarmored while exploring the wild bushes or due to pure incidents and abuse, both the average Joe and the Hu-cares-Man.

   The only distinct feature of Hu-cares-Man lies deep down under their skin. There's no way that you can spot this very quality if you aren't Mr. or Ms. Observer. The feature will be discussed in this particular section.  Selfish will put the adjective too soft in manner; happy-go-lucky too irrelevant. They can be known as the hypocrites of all time,or anything that satisfies Dear Reader. They will wait for somebody to do tasks they are able to carry out, but they don't because they are 'preoccupied' with their 'duty', it seems that there's no time for them to spare to do simple chores, apparently. They are there to instruct others to do this and that, but they themselves seldom or never get their hands working on the job.  Hu-cares-Man never clean up any mess they left behind, thinking that there might be a 'cleaning-lady' fairy who will come at night and do the cleaning, FOC. OMFG, do they require somebody else to wipe their ass after they poo too, if it's possible, because it works in their way? Bloody hell, there's no such thing as a free lunch in this world, and there is, the free-ass-wiping-after-you-poo service? You better be kidding. Don't they have any conscience that they must, particularly, have RESPONSIBILITY or SENSE OF BELONGING (in this case, something belongs to them and they must take care of it) in everything they do? Why not they CTRL C then CTRL V that habit, e-mail it, and project it in front of their parents? I foresee that dirty linens will get right into their mouth, at the very best outcome, travelling at the speed of light, provided that their mother ships are different from them. And yeah, once they use less of a particular thing, they totally forget, or I presume, never ever come across their mind, to have the slightest bit of responsibility. Sigh. Isn't it pathetic to have or to be Hu-cares-Man, or is it fun, the ultimate word that suits here? The best inference I've is that they have such an attitude, is because they wanna save tonnes of energy, to brace for 2012. Anything between the present and 2012, is unimportant. Pure craps. None of my business. The 'Ah, Who cares?'. Then, Hu-cares-Man will mass-produce their own kind, but do you think that they'll survive the post-catastrophe? Not the slightest of their molecule will even pass through 2nd January 2012, with such an attitude.

   To put it in a simpler word, in some part of their life, there's no YOU in them, except for F**K YOU. God bless.. 

Speak Now

Gosh, Yeah, Cool, Oh My God. That are all that I can say when I heard that Miss Taylor Swift gotta roll out a new album soon a few months back.This time around, reality hits me nicely, because I had all her new songs in my netbook, which sounds so nice that all sane guys will go ga-ga over her voice instead of Lady Gaga (sorry Jef.. xD). So, for the review of her songs, I can say they breathe new air, but at some point, the lyrics don't seem to have much diversity. Forgivable though, and the best thing is she wrote all her songs by herself (yeah, she's a songwriter of her own) and uniqueness is the quality in Speak Now. She sings of regret for dumping the guy in 'Back to December' instead of the normal, the-guy-leaves-the-girl kind of situation. 'Last Kiss' can be classified as a sad song, and meaningful to me, maybe not you. 'Mine', one of the singles that is always aired in radio, unmistakably catchy, and 'Better Than Revenge', much more like girls fight over a boy. Moreover, Speak Now debuted and grabbed first place in Billboard, dude. FIRST place, and feeling so proud of her. Perhaps buying her original album won't be a regret. In a nutshell, Speak Now is a must-have for your collection if you're a country music enthusiast, or just Miss Taylor Swift fans. Happy listening. ^.^

List of Speak Now songs (alphabetical order):
1. Back To December
2. Better Than Revenge
3. Dear John
4. Enchanted
5. Haunted
6. Innocent
7. Last Kiss
8. Long Live
9. Mean
10. Mine
11. Never Grow Up
12. Sparks Fly
13. Speak Now
14. Superman
15. The Story Of Us

*Sometimes, dreaming of Taylor Swift becoming my another half is such an enjoyment, though it was and remains a dream only. Hehe.*

Distance - Secondhand Serenade (NEW NOT RELEASED YET) Hear Me Now UPDATED

You And I - SecondHand Serenade NEW SONG on Hear Me Now